Humour

The Santa Clause: Clause and Effect

On Christmas Eve, as boys and girls around the world force themselves to sleep despite their excitement, there’s one person who doesn’t sleep at all. This person can’t sleep and hasn’t slept for days. They aren’t excited about Christmas Day. Not at all. No, the truth is that this person is terrified.

This person is Santa Claus.

“Must be terrible to have to work on Christmas Eve, ha ha… anyone would love to only work one day a year though, ha ha…” Santa has heard it all before. But his worry isn’t “the fear” of going back to work after an extended break. Santa Claus has a greater fear than that. Every year that Santa leaves the North Pole to deliver presents around the world, there’s a possibility that he may not make it back. Lots of boys and girls believe in Santa Claus and can’t wait for him to visit. Other boys and girls, of different ages, don’t believe in Santa and do not expect him to visit. However, there are some boys and girls who believe in Santa Claus and because of their own personal ambition or otherwise poor employment prospects, they want to take his job. And they are willing to use force, if necessary.

It’s been this way ever since “The Santa Clause” was released in cinemas. The premise is simple: What if you caused Santa Claus to have an ‘accident’ as he’s delivering presents? Do you then become Santa Claus? According to the movie, yes, the person who takes down Santa Claus then becomes Santa Claus themselves. This is the ‘Clause’ of the movie title. It’s a sort of family-friendly version of Highlander, where instead of decapitating Highlanders to take their power, it’s Tim Allen causing Santa Claus to fall off his roof and die, leaving Tim Allen to take over as Santa Claus – with hilarious results… Unfortunately, there are people who take this premise as having some basis in truth. After all, it’s a very attractive job and there’s no application process, no HR screening, no interviews and you enter as the boss of the organisation. People would (and have tried to) kill for a job like that.

Of course, this makes life incredibly bleak for the real Santa Claus. Instead of simply spreading joy around the world, Santa now spends half the year in combat training. His sleigh has been modified into an armoured aircraft, loaded with heavy artillery to return fire while being capable of withstanding substantial missile attacks. As the sleigh is independently capable of flight, the reindeer are employed to scout locations for threats in advance of Santa’s arrival. Points of entry such as chimneys and windows are assessed for booby-traps and specialised cameras show whether occupants of a building are sleeping or not. Further to this, with the assistance of several international intelligence agencies, Santa Claus continues to compile a thoroughly-researched list of nice, naughty, and potentially dangerous individuals, subject to checking and rechecking in advance of Christmas Eve.

So, some things remain the same:

He’s making a list and checking it twice

Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice

Santa Claus is comin’ to town

He sees you when you’re sleepin’

He knows when you’re a wake

He knows if you’ve been bad or good

So be good for goodness sake

Oh! You better watch out, you better not cry

Better not pout, I’m telling you why

Santa Claus is comin’ to town.