Humour

Grinning Face New Year

No one speaks about “that year” anymore if they can help it. Even now, after all the years that have passed, surviving generations only refer to it as “that year” and say nothing else. No one could agree on what it should be called under the Global Calendar anyway. Truth be told, the most positive development of “that year” is that it brought world leaders together to create the Global Calendar as a means of banishing the actual title of “that year” from public usage.

It took time, patience, and seemingly endless negotiations given the variety of positions that were taken into consideration. Should it be modeled on the Gregorian calendar or the Chinese lunisolar calendar? Perhaps the Igbo calendar? What of the Solar Hijiri calendar? (It is rumoured that, in an already tense meeting, someone suggested the Galactic Standard calendar before being branded a geek and asked to leave.) With so many models to choose from, the resulting Global Calendar is, rather surprisingly, simplicity itself. A year remains as 365 days in total; however, all weeks, months, and seasons have been discarded. The calendar runs in a countdown format from New Year’s Day at 365 to the following New Year’s Eve at 1 before resetting again at midnight, as standard. This open format allows every facet of society to fit their family, working, and spiritual lives into the calendar howsoever they choose. There were initial grumblings over all manner of smaller details which ultimately settled as people began to focus on the positive aspects of the first-ever truly Global Calendar. Best of all, in order for “that year” to be forgotten, years are no longer titled by numbers. Instead, an individual year is now represented by an emoji.

Time has passed since the calendar was first implemented in the year Face Savouring Delicious Food and the transition has been smooth, for the most part. Even though there was a period of unrest in the years Upside-Down Face to Deciduous Tree, certain traditions carry on in this global era. A period of public holidays align with the end and beginning of the calendar. This period continues to be dominated by the giving and receiving of gifts. And, of course, people still gather to celebrate New Year’s Eve. In fact, the sense of event has been heightened as the New Year’s Eve countdown coincides with the unveiling of the emoji that will represent the incoming 365 days. Really, the only thing that has changed is the standard greeting: you don’t wish a bland “Happy New Year!” nowadays, but a warm “Grinning Face New Year!” to friends and family (or “Face throwing a Kiss New Year!” to that special someone).

You can see it all now, people congregating in the major cities of the world for concerts, firework displays, and celebrating this passing year of Lower Left Ballpoint Pen as the new year is set to be announced. While it has been an above-average year, commentators generally agree that Lower Left Ballpoint Pen will not be as fondly remembered as its predecessor, Snow-Capped Mountain. Look above you! The Countdown has begun…

10… What will it be this year?

9… Something better than Lower Left Ballpoint Pen, surely..

8… A kind of food, perhaps…

7… French Fries, maybe…

6… or Slice of Pizza?

5… Maybe I’m just hungry…

4… Oh, I hope it’s a good year…

3… Come on, Face with Stuck-Out Tongue!

2… Oh, it’s so exciting…

1.

The blank screens above flicker to reveal that this year will be known as… See-No-Evil Monkey!

Grinning Face New Year to you and yours, in this, the year of See-No-Evil Monkey!