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An Open Letter

Dear Sir or Madam (or otherwise, should such be your choice in life…)

Consider this to be advance notice of a passive-aggressive outburst.

I have had it up to an unreasonable height with all these goings-on and I will not suffer another moment more. Like any hot-headed Irish person for whom the Camel’s back has been well and truly broken, I am entering an uncontrollable mode of self-expression and though I have absorbed a vast amount to this point, observed basic fundamentals of the Christian faith vis-á-vis turning the other cheek, I’m afraid all cheeks – top and, indeed, the bottom – are so red raw that not one jot more may be tolerable to my person.

Yet, I am not entirely bereft of my sensibilities and good nature, so it behooves me to give advance notice that at some point in the near future, I will submit a letter of such considered contempt and indirect aggression that should you publish it in your letter pages, I am certain it will garner upwards of a single-figure readership. One or more of the people that will be lambasted within its lines may even hear about the offending article some time after its publication, and I accept that possibility. Not only that, I relish in its potentiality and to have the opportunity to open up a discourse with those villainous characters, expose them for the shallow beings that they are and overturn all of their malevolent actions to this point.

Indeed, I am so anticipating a response that I may even begin to commit my criticisms to paper at the next opportunity. For now though, writing this piece has been somewhat therapeutic and I find I am no longer in the agitated state I was when I first started out. Come to think of it, after a cup of tea and a nice bun, I might start to see it all a little differently. When you put it in perspective, those people have their reasons for what they do. Nothing in this world is without some motivation. I may simply have misunderstood their better intentions. To tell the truth, it’s the fault of you and your cronies for inducing these fits of aggression and cynicism against figures who – I am certain – are probably just down to Earth folk trying the best they can to get things working.

So shame on you, I say. I’ll not be drawn in by your spinning web of literary deceit.

It’s probably best if I don’t even send this letter, lest you edit out the bits you don’t like just to get some sensationalist rant – and all off the back of my own effort. No – I won’t be sending this after all. You and your institutions are all the same and it’s a good and fortunate thing that the average Irish person can hold their tongue so well and not give you the satisfaction of entering a debate that you and your lot would only drag off course and away off on a merry trail.

I’ll be having none of that. God, I’m fit to burst putting up with you lot.

Yours etc.